The Sound of My True Voice.

I woke up last night

startled by the ghost of phantom tears

that were soaked into my pillow sheet

How old was I, I wonder,

that first time

when I felt shame

colour in the spaces between

the letters of my name?

The first time you struck me,

how did it make you feel,

to hear me cry?

To listen to the shadows of my screams?

Were you able to convince yourself

that you were safely distanced from the

crushed reality of my inner dreams?

They say every time a child

stops believing in magic

a fairy dies,

I wonder if when an adult resurrects 

that belief, if a wish comes alive? 

Against the backdrop of a silent storm,

I watched leaves fall

spiralling towards places I thought I’d never see

I learnt to count the steps

of the stairway to heaven,

a place I was unsure

I believed.

The first time my heart cracked,

I wonder if I heard the sound.

Did it make a sound?

Did it startle me?

Did I swiftly rush to my feet to try

to escape the memory that was about

to attach itself to me?

When was the first time

I realized that my body wasn’t the only thing

I had failed to protect? That I had to keep

myself under wraps, to hide myself

inside my skin, and that even there danger viciously grinned?

There’s this urge, this driving need inside me now

To share with you, my true voice

Can I show myself to you?

NO!

The fear shrieks,

It hisses to let it go

Stay covered, stay safe-

it’s dangerous out there,

you don’t want to know what it’s like.

Put your trust in me, stay hidden.

Don’t let your vulnerability show,

disguise it with your intellect,

it'll keep others at arms length.

Haven’t you felt shame

creep up your spine

and condemn you before?

Remember when,

Remember those times

when you let your heart show?

How it felt so exposed and oh,

so alone

Remember how it made you feel

like a fool, to see how it was received,

to absorb in that scorn from that outside perspective

that made you feel like you were wrong,
like you were born somewhat defective.

No.

No more.

I’m not going to hide anymore.

I’m ready to breathe.

I’m ready to feel

The consequences, the repercussions

of allowing you to see me.

Really see me.

Can you see me?

I want you to feel me.

Feel the pulsation of this heartbeat,

It wakes me every morning

gets me out of bed

to find out what each day brings.

I’m ready to heed

the call to lay down arms,

to let down my walls,
to respect and assert
my healthy boundaries.

It’s okay if I fall

I’ve been there before

I’m much stronger now

I can unwind, get back into my body

raw, unrefined,

I know I’m not defined

by your words, spoken and unspoken
heard and unheard

I create and construct

my own reality, 

I reclaim my sanity,
my inherent sensuality,
the dispossessed fragments of my sexuality.

I am here now.

Can you see me?

Do you hear me?

My truth speaks, 

she roars, she finds release.

I am here now.